"BUTCHER, BAKER, CANDLESTICK MAKER"
I'm an autocratic figure in these democratic states,
A dandy demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the baker bake the most delicious breads,
As the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds,
As the Barrymores and Roosevelts and others I could name
Inherited the talents that perpetuate their fame,
My position in the structure of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
My father was a gentleman and musical to boot.
He used to play piano in a house of ill repute.
The Madam was a lady and a credit to her cult,
She enjoyed my father's playing and I was the result.
So my Daddy and my Mummy are the ones I have to thank
That I'm Chairman of the Board of the National Silly Bank.
CHORUS:
Oh, our parents forgot to get married.
Our parents forgot to get wed.
Did a wedding bell chime, it was always a time
When our parents were somewhere in bed.
Then all thanks to our kind loving parents.
We are kings in the land of the free.
Your banker, your broker, your Washington joker,
Three prominent bastards are we, tra la,
Three prominent bastards are we!
In a cozy little farmhouse in a cozy little dell
A dear old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell.
She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was mild,
And her sympathy was such that she was frequently with child.
The year her hospitality attained a record high
She became a happy mother of an infant which was I.
Whenever she was gloomy, I could always make her grin,
By childishly inquiring who my daddy could have been.
The hired man was favored by the girls in Mummy's set,
And a traveling man from Scranton was an even money bet.
But such were Mother's motives and such was her allure,
That even Roger Babson wasn 't absolutely sure.
Well, I took my mother's morals and I took my daddy's crust,
And I grew to be the founder of the New York Blankers Trust.
CHORUS: Oh, our parents forgot, etc.
In a torrid penal chain gang on a dusty southern road
My late lamented daddy had his permanent abode.
Now some were therefor stealing, but my daddy's only fault
Was an overwhelming tendency for criminal assault.
His philosophy was simple and quite free from moral taint;
Seduction is for sissies, but a he-man wants his rape.
Daddy's total list of victims was embarrassingly rich,
And one of them was Mother, but he couldn't tell me which.
Well, I didn "t go to college but I got me a degree.
I reckon I'm the model of a perfect S.O.B.,
I'm a debit to my country but a credit to my Dad,
The most expensive senator the country ever had.
I remember Daddy's warning-that raping is a crime,
Unless you rape the voters, a million at a time.
CHORUS: Oh, our parents forgot, etc.
I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic states,
A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the cop possess the flattest kind of [feet],
As the daughter of the floozie has a waggle to her seat,
My position at the bottom of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
My father was a married man and, what is even more,
He was married to my mother-a fact which I deplore.
I was born in holy wedlock, consequently by and by,
I was rooked by every bastard who had plunder in his eye.
I invested, I deposited, I voted every fall,
And I saved up every penny and the bastards took it all.
At last I've learned my lesson, and I'm on the proper track,
I'm a self-appointed bastard and I'M GOING TO GET IT BACK.
CHORUS:
Oh, our parents forgot to get married.
Our parents forgot to get wed.
Did a wedding bell chime, it was always a time
When our parents were somewhere in bed.
Then all thanks to our kind loving parents.
We are kings in the land of the free.
Your banker, your broker, your Washington joker,
Three prominent bastards are we, tra la,
Three prominent bastards are we!
See? Problematic. But even though our New Deal ancestors clearly had a few more tolerance and misogyny issues, they managed to get the whole frakking New Deal out of their government.
At that, mostly because FDR was worried like nobody's business that full blown socialism communism would result from popular anger. So thank goodness he caved, because that didn't turn out so well for Russia.
And the parallel examples of Britain and Russia in WWI would have been fresh at the time, with Britain responding to increasing labor agitation by meeting more of the unionists demands and getting more public cooperation in return. Russia responded by ignoring public anger over aristocratic excess in a time of privation until the country was taken out of the war by the overthrow of their government. Maybe FDR had this in mind when he decided that making peasant life easier was just good sense.
So let's hope we have as much mettle as the citizen organizers of the New Deal, and that Obama has as much common sense as Roosevelt. Turned out well the last time the bastards got this completely out of control.
Update: Apologies to commentors rightfully annoyed that I conflated Russia's totalitarian communism with the democratic socialism that prevails in countries like Canada, the UK, etc., countries that I think we'd do very well to imitate. That's what I get for posting when sleepy.
I personally favor a mixed economy. One where the government does things like healthcare, mass transit and primary education that seem to work best when nationalized. And then most industries operated privately, but with effective anti-monopoly enforcement to ensure that no handful of actors can unduly influence the market. Too big to fail is simply, imo, too big. |
