The political picture can hardly look better for Republicans right now. After all, everything that ever happens is good for Republicans, and since more stuff keeps happening, this must be the best political position Republicans have ever experienced. However, if they want to speed up the process of regaining political power a little bit, here are eight sure-fire ideas:
Raise the voting age to 35: According to exit polls, Barack Obama and John McCain tied among voters who were 35 and over. So, if they simply raise the voting age, they will immediately become competitive. That way, they won't be foiled by those meddling kids anymore.
Give everyone $50,000: According to the same exit polls, Barack Obama and John McCain were even among voters making more than $50,000 a year. So, if they simply gave away enough money so that everyone had at least $50K, then they would instantly become competitive again. Given that about 50,000,000 voters made less than $50K in 2008, this plan would cost, at most, only $2.5 trillion.
Give everyone a gun: If handing out $50K to everyone is either too expensive or simply distasteful to Republicans, they could also hand out a gun to everyone in the United States. This would only cost a few billion dollars, and John McCain won gun-owners by 25%.
Declare everyone to be legally married: John McCain also won the married vote. So, if Republicans simply declared that everyone was married (except homosexuals, of course), then they would be back in business. The details on exactly to whom everyone would become married can be worked out later. Maybe they could use a lottery system.
Spend every hour of every day freaking everyone out about terrorism: John McCain narrowly won voters who were either "very worried" or "somewhat worried" about another terrorist attack on the United States. Also, when voters were asked about their top issue, McCain only won the 9% of voters who cited "terrorism." So, Republicans should stop campaigning altogether, and just spend all of their money funding Stephen Colbert's Doom Bunker.
Make church attendance mandatory: John McCain also comfortably defeated Barack Obama among people who attend church once a month or more. As such, it seems that Republicans would have done well to make attending church at least once a month mandatory. (And yes, I mean "church" attendance. If people all start going to mosques, synagogues, or some other heretical place of worship, the political situation will actually deteriorate for Republicans.)
Give everyone free health care: If all else fails, Republicans should simply give everyone free, high-quality health care. After all, John McCain handily won among voters who are unconcerned about health care costs. So, the obvious path back to power for Republicans is to make sure that no one is worried about health care costs.
All of the above: To really hammer home their political advantage, Republicans could give everyone $50K, a gun, free health care, make church attendance mandatory, force everyone to get married, raise the voting age to 35, and require all media outlets to only and ever talk about threats of terrorist attacks. There is no way anything bad could ever come from disenfranchising young people, freaking them out, giving them all lots of money, guns and doctors, and then forcing them to do stuff they don't enjoy.
Other ideas that come to mind include red-state secession, repealing universal suffrage (McCain handily won white men, after all), converting everyone to Protestantism (this might be done via a Supreme Court ruling soon anyway), and abolishing all cities (McCain would have won if there were no cities). What ideas did I miss?
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