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Roberts Says 14th Amendment "Not A Problem"
In a move that caught the entire Democratic Party by surprise, the House and Senate Republican leadership unveiled what they called "the ultimate free market solution to health care reform."
"People who can't afford health care will simply sell themselves to people who can afford to buy it for them," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell explained.
"Of course, the purchasers will get a substantial tax break to encourage their public spiritedness," added House Minority Leader John Boehner.
Calling the proposal "brilliant," former Speaker Newt Gingrich said it was the sort of "outside the box thinking that the ultra-liberal Democratic Party leadership was utter incapable of grasping, much less providing for the nation." He went on to call for President Obama and the entire Democratic congressional leadership to resign "for the good of the country."
The punditalkcrazy was immediately impressed. "The Democrats had already clearly lost the momentum," wrote David Broder, "Now the Republicans are not just defining the debate, they're showing once again that they alone really know what it means to act like the party of governance."
"It's a no-brainer," said Chris Matthews. "I don't think the Democrats have an answer to this."
"This is what we've been waiting for," said Senate Finance Chair Max Baucus, in a prepared statement. "Many of my Democratic colleagues have been unfairly critical of my efforts to find common ground with Republicans, to forge a bipartisan bill. They didn't think Republicans were serious about health care reform. Now we see how wrong they all were."
Senator Kent Conrad, another Democrats who's been critical of his own party's approach, renewed his call for health care cooperatives. "There's no reason why cooperatives should be forbidden from purchasing those who would choose to sell themselves to a faceless, unaccountable bureaucracy," Conrad said. "As long as it's not run by the government."
The White House has not responded. Sources say they are afraid that a quick rejection would play into perceptions that Obama is "the President of minorities, not the President of all Americans."
Meanwhile, in a virtually unheard-of move, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts told World Net Daily, "I really don't see a problem with this."
"Clearly, the authors of the 14th Amendment did not intend to deny people health care," Roberts explained. "So respecting their original intent, the 14th Amendment is not a problem for the Republican proposal."
"Well, of course it's insane," said a top Democratic strategist who refused to be named. "But that's why it's so brilliant. Going to war against Obama bin Laden's worst enemy after 9/11 was insane, too. But look how much that helped the Republicans in 2002 and '04. This makes that sort of insanity look like Little League. Put all those losers into slavery, and they lose the right to vote, right? How are the Democrats ever going to win an election again?"
"Thank God this proposal frees us from the specter of government tyranny," talk show host Rush Limbaugh told his audience. "Fascism will be defeated. Freedom will triumph. America is back!"
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