"I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."--Darth Vader John McCain
Hey you--University of Mississippi, news networks and debate commission! The debate is off. I don't care if you spent a year scheduling these debates. I don't care if you poured over $5 million into preparing for the debate. It's off, damn it. We will debate where I want, when I want, and when I am ready.
Hey you--federal government! Move over and let me take charge of the bailout negotiations. I don't care who you are and how long you have been negotiating-everyone in D.C. needs to stop what they are doing, throw it away, and start from scratch while you listen only to me. Senate Majority Leader? Screw you, let me in. Speaker of the House? Get bent--this is my show. White House? Ram it-but leave room for me. Everyone in D.C. needs to drop what they are doing, and start listening to me.
Hey you--Barack Obama! Stop campaigning! No, stop now. I said stop now, damn it! Every minute you campaign moves you further ahead in the polls. Stop it! I command you to stop!
And you, media. You will report on what I want you to report on. You will do so in the tone that I demand, and with the words that I demand. And if I cancel an interview on a moment's notice, you better not complain about it. Failure to comply will result in losing your position at the front of the plane, being personally attacked in conference calls, and no more of your unfettered access to Sarah Palin. First demand: stop covering Sarah Palin. You are only there to take photographs and share in our outrage over how mentioning her name is a sexist attack.
In the future, no one-and I mean no one--should do anything at all until I tell them to. And, even if I tell you to do something, be prepared to stop doing it in the likely event that I change my mind, and tell you to do something else instead. For starters, everyone better make sure to elect me President, so that my insane, last minute demands at least have a faint whiff of legality about them. Imagine when my crazy whims actually have Constitutional authority behind them! Those will be fun times.
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