SEATTLE (FNS)--Longtime activist Geov Parrish unexpectedly revealed to the crowd gathered to celebrate his 50th birthday Friday evening his impending plans to end his decades-long career as a public issues advocate in exchange for new opportunities in the field of corporate communications management and image development.
The announcement appeared to be even more shocking to the glitterati gathered for Parrish's 50th birthday extravaganza at Seattle's tony Rainier Club than the fact that the event was sponsored by longtime Parrish nemesis Frank Blethen, publisher of the "Seattle Times" and a frequent target of Parrish's acerbic criticism regarding the state of corporatocracy and its negative impact upon the state of the Nation.
A new commercial venture and three new business relationships were unveiled: a corporate communications consultancy, tentatively to be named "I Am The State!", is to be opened in the next few weeks, after suitable office space is located, with the United States Chamber of Commerce and The Seattle Times Company as the first two business associates; additionally, Parrish will be joining the Board of Directors of the Strangelove Foundation, an organization devoted to maintaining the purity and essence of our precious bodily fluids.
Those among us who are familiar with the Bible will recall that Jesus Christ himself was an active member of the health care community as he traveled about the Holy Land.
It is reported that he practiced within multiple medical specialties, and his works as both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist are recounted within the verses of the Gospels.
But what if Jesus had been practicing medicine in the therapeutic environment we're familiar with today?
In today's conversation we'll be tagging along with Jesus as he takes a few calls at his HMO's Customer Care Center-and by the time we get done you should be able to bring a whole new take to those discussions you've been having about why reform matters.
WASHINGTON (FNS) - In a startling development related to the recent disruptions of town hall meetings, FNS is now able to confirm that the Obama Administration, with the assistance of Unilever Group and Queen Beatrix, both of the Netherlands, PepsiCo, Skull And Bones, and the Bilderberg Group, is unleashing a secret plot to dispatch fleets of unmarked aircraft and helicopters to prevent teabag protesters from having access to teabags.
The goal of the plot: to disrupt protesters' plans to save America from the destruction of our health care system.
FNS reporters have been following a trail of information that includes airport noise abatement records, classified documents, and the testimony of insiders, some of whom are now willing to be publicly identified.
We'll begin our story by reporting on three events that occurred the evening of Friday, August 8th.
It has been quite some time, Gentle Reader, since we addressed the issue of political robot design, but recent events have forced us to return to the subject once again.
As you undoubtedly are aware, three high profile 'bots from Robotican™ Labs have recently experienced major failures.
It was originally thought that the problems were isolated to the Robotican™.1 Congressional Series of Devices...but it is now known that the failures also extend to the.2 Gubernatorial Series as well.
In today's story we will examine what is known about these failures, how they may impact other devices in Political Service, and what solutions might be available to address these issues.
It has been quite some time, Gentle Reader, since we addressed the issue of political robot design, but recent events have forced us to return to the subject once again.
As you undoubtedly are aware, three high profile 'bots from Robotican™ Labs have recently experienced major failures.
It was originally thought that the problems were isolated to the Robotican™.1 Congressional Series of Devices...but it is now known that the failures also extend to the.2 Gubernatorial Series as well.
In today's story we will examine what is known about these failures, how they may impact other devices in Political Service, and what solutions might be available to address these issues.
Dean: You are here on a work-study scholarship for low-income students. Your job is to maintain the fountain, but you unplugged it, ripped out the wires, drained it, and paved it over with cement. Why did you do that?
Howard: Because I hate esthetics. I want to create buildings that are structurally sound, and that are also God-awful eyesores. I have a cousin, Moe, who also hates esthetics. He was in school to be a chef. He hated spices: salt, pepper, paprika... all of them. He used to take raw ingredients, run them through a blender, and serve them as shakes. He drank a bacon-and-eggs shake every day for breakfast.
Dean: Did he graduate from chef school?
Howard: No, he was expelled. Now he and his two unlicensed, tax-evading friends operate a plumbing business: Drip Boys: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
Dean: I see. So, do you also want to be expelled?
Howard: Sort of. I am full of unconscious self-hatred. You see, my idol is another unlicensed, tax evading plumber. He has a right-wing radio show, and his stage name is "Flush Limpo". Anyway, he has me convinced that every person who earns less than a six-figure income is a willfully-lazy Socialist parasite who deserves a swift kick in the crotch. I would kick myself in the nuts every day, but I'm not that limber. So, I think I'll just get expelled from school, then start my own business, without any experience or network of referrals. After that, I will alienate every potential customer by insisting that my buildings should only look good to me, and not to my customers, or their customers, or anyone else on Earth. Then maybe I'll work in a rock quarry for awhile.
Dean: Congratulations. You're expelled. Let me know how that works out for you.
Washington, D.C. (FNN)-In a move some are describing as a "news dump" timed to coincide with the attention being paid to President Obama's foreign trip, the Justice Department announced the Administration's plans to introduce legislation to legalize and regulate the manufacture, sales, possession, and use of what are today legally known as Schedule I drugs.
Additionally, Schedule II through Schedule V drugs will be made available to adult members of the public at their request, with a doctor's prescription no longer being required before such drugs can be dispensed.
The drugs being "legalized" through this legislation would include marijuana, LSD, heroin, cocaine, and ecstasy; also included will be all pharmaceutical drugs currently under restricted distribution: among those are Xanax, OxyContin, and Viagra.
So many times when we get together you have to put up with me complaining about something...and there are lots of other times when it's me warning about events that are looming in our future.
Even though they're conversations we need to have, they're often not very emotionally satisfying.
Today we depart from that pattern, in a very good way.
It's "follow-up day"; and the conversation takes us to three "happy places": two "problem" stories that have recent positive progress to report-and, just because I care about you, Gentle Reader, an exclusive preview of the George W. Bush autobiography, obtained with considerable effort from an unnamed and particularly well-placed source.
There's a lot to cover, so let's jump right in and tell you what you need to know.
