Here it is, our last report on the disaster that is the Breitbartocalypse. We've got more from our in-the-field reporter, as well as an exclusive interview with the Policy Director of the Institutional Left™:
SEATTLE (FNS)--Longtime activist Geov Parrish unexpectedly revealed to the crowd gathered to celebrate his 50th birthday Friday evening his impending plans to end his decades-long career as a public issues advocate in exchange for new opportunities in the field of corporate communications management and image development.
The announcement appeared to be even more shocking to the glitterati gathered for Parrish's 50th birthday extravaganza at Seattle's tony Rainier Club than the fact that the event was sponsored by longtime Parrish nemesis Frank Blethen, publisher of the "Seattle Times" and a frequent target of Parrish's acerbic criticism regarding the state of corporatocracy and its negative impact upon the state of the Nation.
A new commercial venture and three new business relationships were unveiled: a corporate communications consultancy, tentatively to be named "I Am The State!", is to be opened in the next few weeks, after suitable office space is located, with the United States Chamber of Commerce and The Seattle Times Company as the first two business associates; additionally, Parrish will be joining the Board of Directors of the Strangelove Foundation, an organization devoted to maintaining the purity and essence of our precious bodily fluids.
There has been a great wailing and gnashing of teeth over the past day or so as those who follow the healthcare debate react to the Stupak/Some Creepy Republican Guy Amendment.
The Amendment, which is apparently intended to respond to conservative Democrats' concerns that too many women were voting for the Party in recent elections, was attached to the House's version of healthcare reform legislation that was voted out of the House this weekend.
The goal is to limit women's access to reproductive medicine services, particularly abortions; this based on the concept that citizens of good conscience shouldn't have their tax dollars used to fund activities they find morally repugnant.
At first blush, I was on the mild end of the wailing and gnashing spectrum myself...but having taken a day to mull the thing over, I'm starting to think that maybe we should take a look at the thinking behind this...and I'm also starting to think that, properly applied, Stupak's logic deserves a more important place in our own vision of how a progressive government might work.
It's Political Judo Day today, Gentle Reader, and by the time we're done here it's entirely possible that you'll see Stupak's logic in a whole new light.
Those among us who are familiar with the Bible will recall that Jesus Christ himself was an active member of the health care community as he traveled about the Holy Land.
It is reported that he practiced within multiple medical specialties, and his works as both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist are recounted within the verses of the Gospels.
But what if Jesus had been practicing medicine in the therapeutic environment we're familiar with today?
In today's conversation we'll be tagging along with Jesus as he takes a few calls at his HMO's Customer Care Center-and by the time we get done you should be able to bring a whole new take to those discussions you've been having about why reform matters.
WASHINGTON (FNS) - In a startling development related to the recent disruptions of town hall meetings, FNS is now able to confirm that the Obama Administration, with the assistance of Unilever Group and Queen Beatrix, both of the Netherlands, PepsiCo, Skull And Bones, and the Bilderberg Group, is unleashing a secret plot to dispatch fleets of unmarked aircraft and helicopters to prevent teabag protesters from having access to teabags.
The goal of the plot: to disrupt protesters' plans to save America from the destruction of our health care system.
FNS reporters have been following a trail of information that includes airport noise abatement records, classified documents, and the testimony of insiders, some of whom are now willing to be publicly identified.
We'll begin our story by reporting on three events that occurred the evening of Friday, August 8th.
It has been quite some time, Gentle Reader, since we addressed the issue of political robot design, but recent events have forced us to return to the subject once again.
As you undoubtedly are aware, three high profile 'bots from Robotican™ Labs have recently experienced major failures.
It was originally thought that the problems were isolated to the Robotican™.1 Congressional Series of Devices...but it is now known that the failures also extend to the.2 Gubernatorial Series as well.
In today's story we will examine what is known about these failures, how they may impact other devices in Political Service, and what solutions might be available to address these issues.
It has been quite some time, Gentle Reader, since we addressed the issue of political robot design, but recent events have forced us to return to the subject once again.
As you undoubtedly are aware, three high profile 'bots from Robotican™ Labs have recently experienced major failures.
It was originally thought that the problems were isolated to the Robotican™.1 Congressional Series of Devices...but it is now known that the failures also extend to the.2 Gubernatorial Series as well.
In today's story we will examine what is known about these failures, how they may impact other devices in Political Service, and what solutions might be available to address these issues.
Dean: You are here on a work-study scholarship for low-income students. Your job is to maintain the fountain, but you unplugged it, ripped out the wires, drained it, and paved it over with cement. Why did you do that?
Howard: Because I hate esthetics. I want to create buildings that are structurally sound, and that are also God-awful eyesores. I have a cousin, Moe, who also hates esthetics. He was in school to be a chef. He hated spices: salt, pepper, paprika... all of them. He used to take raw ingredients, run them through a blender, and serve them as shakes. He drank a bacon-and-eggs shake every day for breakfast.
Dean: Did he graduate from chef school?
Howard: No, he was expelled. Now he and his two unlicensed, tax-evading friends operate a plumbing business: Drip Boys: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
Dean: I see. So, do you also want to be expelled?
Howard: Sort of. I am full of unconscious self-hatred. You see, my idol is another unlicensed, tax evading plumber. He has a right-wing radio show, and his stage name is "Flush Limpo". Anyway, he has me convinced that every person who earns less than a six-figure income is a willfully-lazy Socialist parasite who deserves a swift kick in the crotch. I would kick myself in the nuts every day, but I'm not that limber. So, I think I'll just get expelled from school, then start my own business, without any experience or network of referrals. After that, I will alienate every potential customer by insisting that my buildings should only look good to me, and not to my customers, or their customers, or anyone else on Earth. Then maybe I'll work in a rock quarry for awhile.
Dean: Congratulations. You're expelled. Let me know how that works out for you.
Washington, D.C. (FNN)-In a move some are describing as a "news dump" timed to coincide with the attention being paid to President Obama's foreign trip, the Justice Department announced the Administration's plans to introduce legislation to legalize and regulate the manufacture, sales, possession, and use of what are today legally known as Schedule I drugs.
Additionally, Schedule II through Schedule V drugs will be made available to adult members of the public at their request, with a doctor's prescription no longer being required before such drugs can be dispensed.
The drugs being "legalized" through this legislation would include marijuana, LSD, heroin, cocaine, and ecstasy; also included will be all pharmaceutical drugs currently under restricted distribution: among those are Xanax, OxyContin, and Viagra.
So many times when we get together you have to put up with me complaining about something...and there are lots of other times when it's me warning about events that are looming in our future.
Even though they're conversations we need to have, they're often not very emotionally satisfying.
Today we depart from that pattern, in a very good way.
It's "follow-up day"; and the conversation takes us to three "happy places": two "problem" stories that have recent positive progress to report-and, just because I care about you, Gentle Reader, an exclusive preview of the George W. Bush autobiography, obtained with considerable effort from an unnamed and particularly well-placed source.
There's a lot to cover, so let's jump right in and tell you what you need to know.
The only downside of the CNBC comeuppance delivered by Jon Stewart on Wednesday night is that it overshadowed this brilliant takedown of Glenn Beck's "war room" delusions from last week. Instant classic, particularly Colbert's "craziest" scenario at the end:
There are but three days to go, Gentle Reader, and the McCain campaign is now down to fear and Joe The Plumber.
Those who seek to spread The Fear are resorting to fantastic schemes and amazing leaps of logic in an effort to find something to make The Fear rise in voters.
But to be honest, the crazy speculation lacks...imagination.
I believe I can present crazy speculation that is at least as interesting as what they've put out-and funnier to boot-and with that and the Halloween just past in mind we present the final weekend edition of the 2008 campaign cycle's blogging.
So, ya wanna hear a few debunked made up rumors that, frankly, have a lot more creative style?
BBQ smoke hangs thickly in the air, the rain is getting cooler than it usually is in the summertime, and the Mariners are securely in last place.
And it is also time to return to school. For the new voter about to enter (or return to) College, all the crazy living can make you forget about important things, like...oh, I don't know...maybe an election or two.
To make sure this does not happen I'm going to put College and Politics together to create this year's first...wait for it...synchronized Sarah Palin drinking game.
So start pairing up your shotglasses, find the Scotch tape, and when you get back I'll tell you how it works.
For those who did not know, I'm a contract worker; and as a result I'm a direct beneficiary of the trend toward outsourcing.
And let me tell you, everyone's doing it. At different times I've worked for school districts, a company that makes tax preparation software, agencies of State Government...even the Navy.
So it was no surprise when I found out from the agency that I was to be assigned to a Human Resources Department to help with the overflow of employee evaluations that needed to be completed-and it was no surprise when they told me the job was like working in Hell.
I was a bit surprised, however, when it turned out they were telling the literal truth...and that's how I came to spend last week as a temp in Satan's HR Department-vetting John McCain for his annual evaluation.
Many words have been proffered regarding the FISA bill this week, and I was actually preparing an analysis of the events when, to my surprise, I received an email that made me alter my schedule completely.
I want to apologize in advance to Danny Medress, over at Democracy for America, for whom I was preparing the analysis; and all I can tell you, Danny, is that this was of such import that the schedule had to be slipped.
That said, presented here in its entirety is the memo I received ...and having read it through, I have to say I feel much safer.
I bring to you today a story that is eight years old and as recent as today's headlines.
A foolish tale of mirth and merriment it is indeed--and for those who want a real all-American Fourth of July story, well...this one fits better than a glass slipper on Cinderella's foot.
The story, as you might have guessed from the headline, starts with a simple premise and ends by paraphrasing Ronald Reagan's famous question:
Had we elected Jerry Springer in 2000 instead of George Bush the Younger, would we be better off today than we were eight years ago?
Come along for the ride, Esteemed Reader, and we shall see...
War, Inc. is a political satire that just opened in LA and New York, produced, co-written, and starring John Cusack, Hillary Duff, Marisa Tomei, Joan Cusack, Ben Kingsley, Dan Aykroyd.
Cusack plays Brand Hauser, a hit-man for hire who is deployed to the fictional country of Turaqistan to kill a Middle Eastern oil baron. Hauser's employer is Tamerlane, a secretive for-profit military corporation headed by the former US vice president, played by Dan Aykroyd. In this scene, Hauser receives his mission orders:
BRAND HAUSER: Turaqistan. What's the gig?
TAMERLANE CEO: Omar Sharif.
BRAND HAUSER: Omar Sharif?
TAMERLANE CEO: Yeah, CEO of Wuji Gas, the Yujigastani conglomerate. Terminate. Do do that voodoo that you do so well. You'll be working directly under the viceroy, just appointed by the president. His identity is still being withheld until further notice. It's on a need-to-know basis.
BRAND HAUSER: And no one needs to know.
TAMERLANE CEO: He asked for you personally.
BRAND HAUSER: What's my cover?
TAMERLANE CEO: Trade show producer.
BRAND HAUSER: Trade show? What show? What show? What show?
TAMERLANE CEO: Oh, it's going to be huge, Hauser. Tamerlane is sponsoring a trade expo, Brand USA. It's our big launch, bringing democracy to this part of the world. Plus, now that we've
bombed the shit out of them, well, there's a lot of rebuilding to do.
BRAND HAUSER: Shows a nice spirit.
TAMERLANE CEO: Well, somebody has to help these poor people. This moment presents a great opportunity for Tamerlane, and the United States, for that matter, not to mention the people of
Turaqistan. To top it all off, there's going to be a gala wedding! Isn't that great?
BRAND HAUSER: Seems like a pretty elaborate cover. I'm actually going to be responsible for all that shit?
TAMERLANE CEO: This is a historic moment, Hauser: the first war ever to be 100 percent outsourced to private enterprise. Tamerlane jets. Tamerlane tanks. Tamerlane soldiers. And to top it all off, a Brand USA Expo. It's your show, baby.
Excerpts from his Democracy Now interview on jump.
It is with a number of emotions-among them regret, sorrow, confusion, ennui, schadenfreude, and hunger-that I find myself writing to all of you. As members in good standing of the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy, you of all people surely recognize the remarkable position of strength we find ourselves in. And it is my sad duty to inform you that it's all your fault.
In today's America, liberals outnumber conservatives; the Democratic Party controls both houses of Congress and is overwhelmingly favored to take the White House; public opinion is calling for greater tolerance, stronger environmental protections, universal health care, and an end to war. Today's left is ascendant in every imaginable field, while the right is on the verge of moral, intellectual, political, and financial bankruptcy. One of the great realignments in American political history is within our grasp. This is completely unacceptable.
Officials and campaigners in both parties are worried that zealous out-of-state staffers and non-Iowa supporters of candidates may try to vote in the caucuses, thereby skewing the results.
On the Republican side, GOP officials are watching precincts in Council Bluffs and Davenport to make certain people aren't driving across the state line to participate. They are particularly concerned about Ron Paul's over-caffeinated backers.
On the Democratic side, Barack Obama's campaign is telling Iowa college students they can caucus for him even if they aren't from Iowa. Five of the six Democratic presidential campaigns have said they don't want their out-of-town staffers caucusing in Iowa, even though some of these staffers have already registered to vote here.
The elitism of this article, against students, against Ron Paul supporters, against people from Illinois, is infuriating. Mike Connery destroys Yespen and some Democratic candidates for the way this attitude works to disenfranchise youth voters. I, however, want to go a step further. In fact, I am so irritated by this, that if I can figure out a way to get there, I have decided to participate in the caucuses myself.
Even though I haven't been in the state since 1985, I believe I have every right to participate in the Iowa caucus. First, it would be consistent with the principle of democratic self-determination for the following three reasons:
The Presidency is a national office, and I am just as much of an American as anyone who lives in Iowa.
The Democratic Party is a national organization, and I am just as much of a Democrat as anyone who lives in Iowa.
In accordance with the principle of "one man, one vote," after participating in the Iowa caucuses, I will not participate in the presidential nomination contest of any other state in the country.
Second, my participation in the Iowa caucuses are in keeping with the principle of retail politics often used to justify Iowa's privileged position on the calendar.
I have seen every candidate speak in person. I have even talked with four of the seven candidates.
I have paid more attention to this campaign than about 98-99% of everyone else who will participate in the caucus.
Third, in keeping with the principles of democratic protest, this act of civil disobedience will be successful for the following reasons:
The vast majority of the country does not believe that Iowa should have such a privileged position in determining who is the President of everyone in the country. (Source, PDF)
What are the local authorities going to do? Arrest me for trying to vote? I'm sure that will look good, especially if several hundred people try to do this en masse.
Neither Republicans nor Democrats in Iowa really do much to try and stop this, anyway.
With all of this in mind, the only argument that I can think of not to do this is that I don't live in Iowa. Compared to everything else presented here, that strikes me as thin and anti-democratic. People who live in certain areas of the country should not have more rights than people who live in other areas of the country. Even though Yespen seems in favor of it when it comes to choosing the next President, fighting segregation was one of the cornerstones of the civil rights movement in this country, after all.
So, I'm going to caucus in Iowa, if I can figure out a way to get there. I think other people should join in, too. The more people who come, the stronger our protest will be. Are you with me!?
