Miami, Florida, September 13, 2018 (FNS)-Facing pressure from voters to "do something" following the disaster caused by the privatization of Social Security, the White House today announced that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is awarding a $2 billion contract to the Halliburton Company for the purchase of 22,000 "cardboard condos" that will be installed in public parks around the Miami area in an effort to alleviate the problem of homelessness among the impoverished elderly.
"Having homeless senior citizens drag their appliance boxes all over the city reduces the community's aesthetic appeal and leads to complaints", said Halliburton spokesman Tendei Furlough. "The new modular design, combined with our ability to print attractive images on the outside of the boxes, guarantees both increased protection from winter weather and fewer complaints from affected neighborhoods."
FEMA's Director of Emergency Housing Resources Spike Fromula agreed: "We thought we had a real problem with homelessness in a number of our major cities after the Social Security safety net collapsed...but now, we think...well, we think we have a way to wrap the problem up in a neat little package."
Dover, Delaware (FNS)-Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell shocked the crowd at a Delaware political breakfast meeting when she announced that she has changed her thinking about masturbation following a weekend bathtub "incident".
Spike Fromula, O'Donnell's press secretary, explained to the press gaggle today that O'Donnell now realizes that it is possible to "masturbate without lust in your heart" after Saturday night's revelatory event, which Fromula described as a "slip and fall episode".
"It wasn't exactly 'The Passion of the Showerhead'" said Fromula, in a reference to her former work as a marketing consultant to the Mel Gibson movie of a similar name, "but there is no doubt that her thinking on the issue has evolved".
They better not build that mosque down by Ground Zero, we're being told, not just because it's insensitive, but because we have no idea what they'll be up to down there.
I mean, where did the money come from?
Who does this Imam hang out with, anyway?
And, at a time when our Nation faces more threats than ever, why would we let these Muslim madmen situate their "terror command posts" anywhere?
Well, I don't know about all of that...but I do know a place where lots of these Islamic terrorists go to obtain the equipment and supplies they need to support their particular craft, and I decided to make a bit of an undercover visit to the spot, so that I might "observe and report" on what goes on at this specific location.
So put on your dark glasses...and let's go see what we can find out.
WASHINGTON, DC, April 10, 1865 (FNS)-The Civil War ended yesterday with the surrender of General Lee's Confederate Forces to Ulysses S. Grant, the Union Commander, at Appomattox.
Although most observers are generally happy with the surrender, many of President Obama's most loyal supporters are livid with the Commander-in-Chief because of the concessions he made in order to obtain the future support of the Southern Senators who will rejoin the body when the next Session begins.
At a media event this morning, Press Secretary Dick Timoneous expressed the President's hope that the formerly Confederate Members of Congress are looking forward to changing the political culture and steering the Nation in a better direction:
"It's time for the opposition to realize that what really matters is putting America first. The President is certain that by offering some concessions now, Southern Senators will look beyond their own parochial interests and do their part to move this process forward."
Brighton, Colorado (FNS)-Attorneys from the Republican Study Group (RSG) descended upon the 17th Judicial District courtroom of Judge John T Bryan today to present an amicus brief and associated oral arguments in order to prevent a settlement in a lawsuit related to an automobile accident in this Colorado city.
The intervening attorneys claim the settlement reached between the two parties to the accident is a "shakedown" because the plaintiff had not yet exhausted all possible legal remedies when the agreement was finalized, and because the agreement was executed in the presence of the plaintiff's brother, a well-known local attorney.
They hope Judge Bryan will decline to approve the settlement in today's hearing, and that he will order the parties to move forward to trial.
"What we have is government transferring property from one party, an admittedly unattractive one, to others, not based on preexisting laws but on decisions by one man, a car czar", said Crush Mimbaugh, attorney for the RSG, "and we are here today to protect all Americans from this legally sanctioned rape of an innocent driver."
Honestly, I am absolutely sick of commercial air travel these days. Just dealing with security is bad enough, but then there's the airlines, and...hey, all you really need to know here is that there has to be a pretty good reason for me to fly cross-country.
Well, I had one Saturday night, which is how I came to be in the Colonnade Room of the Fairmount Hotel, Washington DC with about 250 of my closest friends, in a classic shawl-collar tuxedo, attending one of the most exclusive "passing of the torch" ceremonies in recent Washington memory.
And when it was all over, Douglas Feith was a happy man.
For those of you not following Open Left on Twitter, here is your progressive horoscope for the day. It doesn't look good, unfortunately:
If your birthday is today (June 11): This morning, other people will not be as outraged by something as you are.
Aries (March 21 to April 19): The legislation you are working on will be watered down by Blue Dogs
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Anonymous Democratic staffers will attack you in Politico.
Gemini (May 21 to June 21): Other progressives will not consider you a "real" progressive.
Cancer (June 22 to July 22): Harold Ford will appear on cable news to represent "your side" of the debate.
Leo (July 23 to August 22): It will turn out that Joe Lieberman disagrees with you about more than just the war.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Rasmussen will say you trail the tea party candidate by 25%
Scorpio (October 24 to November 21): You will slowly accept that you will vote for whoever the Democrat is in November, as the Republican is even worse.
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): You will be unable to shake the feeling that so-called "progressive" organizations have let you down.
Capricorn (December 19 to January 19): The money you sent to Democratic Party committees will go to elect Blue Dogs
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): You will learn a lot about the underside of buses
Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Your Drinking Liberally happy hour will be replaced by a weekly discussion with Broder, Halperin and Kurtz.
I am outraged by this, because this is outrageous.
And yet, where are the street protests in response to this outrage? No, not those protests--we need bigger ones. There should be hundreds of thousands of people out there protesting this. Every day. In every city.
Even if there aren't ubiquitous, massive street protests over this outrage, there should at least be ubiquitous, massive street protests in response to one or more of the many other ongoing outrages. Because those outrages are also outrageous.
Furthermore, the lack of appropriate outrage from the left on this is also an outrage. In response, we need to put together two simultaneous protests--one against the outrage, and one against the outrageous lack of outrage expressed by the absent left.
This new, pathetic, absent left is a shadow of the glorious American left of the olden days. What the hell is wrong with kids these days, anyway?
Back in the good old days, hundreds of thousand of lefties took to the streets every day, in every city, in response to similar outrages. Further, these previous massive protests that took place every day in every city solved all outrages. That is why the past was a left-wing paradise, far more progressive than our own times.
However, the protests stopped. And so, we have new outrages. This is because there is a direct correlation between the amount of outrages and the amount of leftie protests.
But the kids today just don't get this. Their parents didn't teach them properly, and the country is going down the tubes. Like all true lefties, I just wish we could return to the good old days.
Baton Rouge (FNS)-Facing both a massive oil slick from a sunken offshore drilling platform and a second year of declining tourism revenues along the Louisiana Gulf Coast caused by high gas prices, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal today introduced a new tourism promotion that he reports is going to "...make lemons into lemonade".
Jindal, flanked by British Petroleum's Director of Marketing Dick Timoneous and the Executive Director of the Louisiana State Tourism Board, Jenna Talia, announced that the "All The Oil You Can Carry Festival" would officially commence today just east of New Orleans, and last at least through the month of May.
It would be interesting if this Lincoln, NE native and purported lifelong Cornhuskers fan were appointed to a position by the Obama administration when he is not telling the truth about his sports loyalties.
Update: I offer my sincere apologies to Mr. Lux if he is offended at all by my repetition of a Washington, DC rumor in a speculative blog post. At least me and my journalistic ethics can still get a job at CBS News.
Snark aside, it would be nice if the White House didn't use the term "false charges" when referring to one's sexual orientation, which comes across as if she was accused of a crime. And it might not hurt to channel Seinfeld and add a respectful, White House version of "not that there's anything wrong with that!".
New York (FNS)-In an effort to help dispel concerns of racism, Terri Stocke, President of the Second Amendment March, agreed to coordinate with members of the Reverend Al Sharpton's National Action Network and the Reverend Jesse Jackson's Rainbow/Push Coalition in an effort to encourage more members of the Black community to bear arms and to carry them publicly.
In return, members of the Black community have agreed to flood the 2nd Amendment March, scheduled for April 19, 2010, in Washington, DC, with hundreds of thousands of heavily armed residents of Chicago's South Side and New York City's Harlem and Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhoods.
"We hope that the Black community understands that 2nd Amendment rights apply to all Americans" Ms. Stocke told the crowd outside Mr. Sharpton's offices.
According to a recent 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll, 50% of respondents said they would support an openly gay person to serve as president. 44% said they were opposed. However if it was argued during his two terms in office that Bill Clinton was "our first black President" because of his supposed liberal policies that would benefit African-Americans (though I'm not quite sure what President Clinton did, that he wasn't forced to do, that would benefit any minority except for Chinese monks with political donations to spend.) With that argument shouldn't Barack Obama already be our "first gay President" due to his liberal policies pushing the homosexual agenda?
Boy, I wish. It's like today's Department of Justice brief using right-wing talking points to defend Don't Ask, Don't Tell never happened. If only, Tom, if only.
Here it is, our last report on the disaster that is the Breitbartocalypse. We've got more from our in-the-field reporter, as well as an exclusive interview with the Policy Director of the Institutional Left™:
And now, I am sorry to announce to everyone here that I will not seek to repeat as Monopoly champion.
After all these hours, my passion for acquiring fake, colorful money is undiminished. However, my desire to do so in this apartment has waned.
My decision is not motivated out of concern for the outcome of this game of Monopoly. Even in the current challenging environment, as I sit in Jail, and even though Andy has hotels on New York Avenue, Tennessee Avenue, and St. James place, I am confident in my prospects to repeat as Monopoly champion.
But continuing to play for the sake of winning a game, if it means I have to stay in this apartment for another two hours, is not good enough. And it has never been what motivates me. At this time I simply believe I can best contribute to society in another way: creating jobs by buying a six-pack across the street, helping to advance human knowledge by posting on a message board once I am half-way through that six-pack, and then by making a regrettable purchase online once I have consumed the entire six-pack.
Two hours ago, when this game was getting underway, Amy decided against trading me Connecticut Avenue, even though I would have given her both the Pennsylvania Rail Road and Short Line. This deal would have solved one of the greatest threats this Monopoly game faces: my lack of a monopoly on the light blue squares. The trade would have gone through, too, and was in fact Amy's idea. However, after she had to get up to deal with the baby crying in the other room, by the time she returned she had changed her mind.
Amy, once again, your short-term thinking is tending to your child has doomed us all.
Then, just an hour ago, our plan to get pizza -- this game's top priority -- fell apart because no one could agree on the toppings. And then, before we knew it, the window for delivery had closed. In the end, we had to get Chinese food, which you know I don't like as much as pizza.
All of this and much more has led me to believe that there are better ways to spend my Friday night and my beloved free time than to continue to play this game of Monopoly.
Now, I know that resigning from the game at this late hour basically makes it impossible to determine a fair winner. In fact, since this a Collector's Edition, and belongs to my father, I will actually be taking it home with me. Please, pack it up now. Furthermore, I will not actually be paying your for the Chinese food as I promised. I intend to use that money to purchase pizza when I play Settlers of Catan at my apartment tomorrow night, with a different group of friends entirely.
This may all seem like a dick move, but you are just as much to blame as I am. There once was a time when we played these games not to win, but as an excuse to all get drunk together. However, now that you guys have "children," you are always trying to appeal to that base constituency. I am just not down with that.
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